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Amusing spam

Some of the amusing spam which I have received. Note that some of it was reduced to its plain text part by my HTML stripper AppleScript on arrival, and thus does not look entirely like what the sender intended…

Spam fans are also likely to enjoy Steven Frank’s Spamusement – cartoons based on actual spam subject lines. TURN-key? Aw crap.

From “Ronny O. Maddox”: Your new penis is waiting for you (16th October 07)

I guess this is a mistaken order. Unlike later generations of H. sapiens I do not possess a modular urinary–reproductive system. We have to make do with classical methods for improving our manhoods.

From “Xianhong Hartzler”: Re: (13th Jun 07)

Hello my friend!I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (...) are bad…

In that order?

From “Livingston”: Do you wish to increase your volume by up to 500%? (23rd June 06)

Absolutely! I just cannot crank the volume out of my sound card high enough. I am dying to bring about the total destruction of my inner ears. Bring it on.

From “Attention Smokers”: Smoking is cool (19th December 03)


(see attached image for details)

Cover up those ridiculous health warnings with our novelty stickers.
These stickers are hard wearing and made from water resistant vinyl.


# 70  Stickers,  (10 of each `warning`) - £8
# 140 Stickers,  (20 of each `warning`) - £16

All prices include p&p.Please state how many stickers you
wish to order, and send a cheque or postal order payable to:

"Abe Froman", Unit 608, ...

Attached was an animated GIF of all the stickers:

Cigarette packet stickers

Those not in the UK may not know that as a legal requirement, we have warning labels on cigarette packets (e.g. “Smoking kills”) and, as someone in North America once said (paraphrased by memory), “it’s a wonder anyone over there smokes at all”. It seems someone wants to alleviate smokers’ guilty consciences, and to think that smoking already costs the losers involved enough money…

From “Menages C. Bellyache” (8th December 03)

The stolen name of someone with very unfortunate genealogy, or a spammer with a sense of humour?

Ave! (26th November 03)

Sorry, I don’t speak Latin. Welcome to 2003, the Roman Empire is long since gone. (Kind of like being in the Morlocks’ world in The Time Machine and watching that guy show up)

Holy Water Directly From Lourdes q xhwy… (5th August 03)

We are now providing this unique opportunity for Christians all over the world to purchase Holy Water from the most prestigious of all pilgrim centers.  Direct from Lourdes!

You can use it for yourself or you can also use it as great gifts to your loved ones and family.


Well, I shall credit them with at least being different…

exaltation postmen (3rd October 03)

crosswords boner crier 5th testament mechanized europium explosions savored tactful cozy teasing scratch scratcher breadboard courtesan sculpts extant portraying brayed tails scanner evenings exhaling aruba angelica ii tails addressers taker $RANDO MIZE existing bernini expectations brawling talon executes cranny scription scrim mightiest board expensively estimation tadpole angelo cribs plot idempotent memorials counteractive bausch activates...

Ah, part 1 of my e-mail subscription to Roget’s Thesaurus has arrived. (And is “$RANDO MIZE” pronounced the same way as how Wallace says “Wen-do-lene” or “Tech-no Trousers”?)

hey.. (19th June 03)

Unable to send message. ERROR #13141

a7032bu2i5g9q57864676yiy 6255es45383o3m7lt6r27gdf
898u84orb2aok3vk5v4hr801 zpyb97j99j88et77ndl75386
59553h34a7032bu2i5g9q578 64676yiy6255es45383o3m7l
t6r27gdf1q6c90501kf74824 oem1w69x898u84orb2aok3vk

Someone enlighten me as to why the spam bot e-mailed me to tell me that it could not send the message?


A splendiferous display of mastering the spam bot!

. (27th June 03)
From: . <dqfwkj@mac.com>


Looks like the Grammar Police, Secret Service Division have caught up with me, leaving an untraceable e-mail to remind me that I need to use more full stops in my written work. I have been a naughty boy… (In all seriousness, this is exactly how the e-mail arrived, and I got two of them, from different addresses, sent to two different addresses at this site.)

Get the Latest Mobile Handsets phones… (18th June 03)

your browser does not support frames - click here <http://%77%77%77%2E%6D%6F%62%69%6C%65%34%62%69%7A%2E%63%6F%2E%75%6B/index.html>  to go to

Nifty, they’ve found a way to get my e-mail client to determine my current browser, and then go and ask it if it supports frames. Well, they tried, but failed, as they either slipped up in a conditional expression somewhere (iCab supports frames just fine) or mistakenly determined that MacLynx is my default browser :)

Open Any Lock with Kwick Pick. On Sale Today! (28th August 02)

Open almost any lock with Kwick Pick. This versatile and lightweight portable lock pick can open padlocks, car doors, file cabinets, front door locks, desk drawers, toolboxes, luggage, gas caps, and much more.

What is this, the burglar’s special? Do I look like a criminal or something?

crosspoint (28th September 03)

makes you look and feel 20 YEARS YOUNGER!
&ndsp;Endorsed by doctors world wide!

I’m 22, so, what, it’s going to make me look 2 years old? It’s amazing what they can do with bone restructuring these days…

I saw you at work today. (27th September 03)

Oh really? I wasn’t at work that day, so does that mean I have a double or something? Maybe an evil twin brother?

We sell child porno! (20th September 03)

If you think you are receiving this message in an error - call here to unsubscribe - +1-863-...


Welcome to the site www....org <http://www....org> , it's us again, now we extended our offerings,
here is a list:

1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.
2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).
3. Other rockets (Air-to-Air), orders in batches of 10.
4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.
5. We also offer gay-slaves for sale, we offer only such service on the NET,
   you can choose the one you like, then get straight to business.
6. Fake currencies, such as Euros and US dollars, prices would match competition.
7. Also, as always, we offer widest range of child pornography and exclusive lolita
   galleries, to keep out clients busy.

Everyone is welcome, be it in States or any other place worldwide.

ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free.
Prepay your batch of rockets (air-to-air) and recieve a portable rocket-lacuncher
for free.

www.....org <http://www.....org>

This offer won't last! Only until 20th of August all our clients will also recieve
a pack of 2 CDs, with best selection of child pornography.

If you think you are receiving this message in an error - call here to unsubscribe - +1-863-...

... (The best hosting for spam-advertised projects. It is impossible to stop us host spam-sites)

What can I say? (actual site and contact details removed!)

Re [3]: (26th August 03)

Sincerely yours


Want to feel 100 years younger?… (7th December 03)

If looking 20 years younger was not adequately dumb (it was bad enough being a baby the first time around), someone now wants my age to start pushing the time-space boundaries. I am sure I would look a strikingly handsome -77 year old though.