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You have questions about the Search for Intra-Terrestrial Intelligence programme? We have answers for you.

Q. Only nine days to process a human brain? That is not very long is it?

A. Well, SITI only processes the parts of the human brain connected with and involving intelligence, so this presents a significant reduction factor in itself. Further, most people’s brains are pretty empty anyhow so there isn’t much to scan usually.

Q. Are all humans going to be scanned as part of the SITI programme, or is there some sort of screening process?

A. Our exact methods are in fact classified, for reasons including preventing cheating. However, screening would not be a particularly difficult task. Just circulate another of those CitiBank “hey please give us your bank details” e-mails and anyone who replies is out…

The results could also be passed onto the Darwin Front, a radical off-shoot of the Darwin Awards who are pro-actively cleaning the human gene pool by “disappearing” anyone they discover is not suitable for procreation. Please note however, that the SITI Organisation is no way associated or involved with the Darwin Front.

Q. Hang on, if you have not yet found any signs of intelligent life on Earth, does that not make you yourself …

A. Next!

Q. Wow, I would love to participate in this programme. When will a client for [user’s OS] be available?

A. Presently, only a Cy/VOS version of the client (optimised for The MicroGUI) is available, which was the logical first step. Producing a client for Microsoft Windows (our most popular request) is not likely to happen; such a course of action would run very much counter to our principles. We are hoping for Linux and OpenBSD ports to be available soon, courtesy of Firesnake Systems. A RISC OS port is also planned.

Q. Just how are you scanning everyone’s minds, anyhow?

A. Left-over, disused and highly overclocked Romulan mind probes, attached to an Elaan Tech nuclear-fusion-powered orbital platform placed just outside of United States and former-Soviet missile range.